WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
