So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Michael Bay diarrhea
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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