Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
