On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
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