I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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