I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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