So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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