I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
