My liver just broke up with me...
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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