Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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