If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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