Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
