they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize