Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
