Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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