Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
