I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
