You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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