My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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