i wish there were pregnant emoticons
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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