new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
