I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
