So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
