she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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