I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
