I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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