I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
