My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
