I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
