Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
