you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I pour the whiskey from now on
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
