sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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