I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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