she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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