walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
