Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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