Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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