do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Please don't give away my fajitas
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
