dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
