broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
