She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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