i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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