just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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