You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
