yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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