so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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