just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
