I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
