I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
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