I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize