So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
