My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
