never play flip cup with pint glasses
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
So vagazzling was a success
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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