Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize