you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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