i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
