So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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