I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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