Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
My apartment stinks of burning failure
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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