It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
