Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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