I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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