I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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