I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
