i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
A+ Viking dick
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
